My friends, let’s call them here Martha and Daniel, were on the verge of divorce when a year ago they decided to talk openly about their problem and solve it. The problem which I guess could never exist if…if what? I’ll start the story, which is very educational from my point of view as a coach, from the beginning. Before our couple decided to tie their knots they had agreed on a few rules. At the top of this list there was ‘respect’. There was no doubt that it was their priority. So, how on earth was it possible that their priority became at the same time their main problem and challenge which almost led them to getting divorced?
Martha was an only child. She grew up in a house where everyone related to each other with respect. It meant being polite and never raising their voices. There was no place for pouring out their feelings by hitting the roof and shouting. If anyone shouted at Martha, she would never carry on the conversation. Her mum or dad would do the same. On the other hand, Daniel was brought up in a very expressive and impetuous family. Whenever there was some trouble, they would discuss it lively, they would be at each other throats till everything has been said out loud. Such ‘tantrums’ helped them not to bottle up their emotions and feeling. The biggest disrespect would be to leave the room during the argument as Daniel thought that every issue should be talked over and everyone should express their opinions.
So now imagine a situation when Martha and Daniel are arguing. What is Daniel doing? He’s raising his voice. What is Martha doing? She’s leaving the room. They both feel disrespected by their loved one. They think that their spouses are breaking the rules. After each such an incident once again they were agreeing on that they expect mutual respect but still both of them understood it in a different way. Such a situation was like a viscous circle and they had struggled with that for a few years until the understood the root of the problem.
This, on a surface, a bit trivial story is a great example of how we perceive the word. We see it from the perspective of our own needs and experiences. We think that we understand the needs of the other person but, no matter if we want it or not, we look through the prism of our own expectations. Hence disappointment and mutual and pretensions. The key word? Communication? But what does it actually meant to you? See, we all understand it in a little bit different way. Surely the couple communicated with each other and agreed on their values but nevertheless the communication failed. Coaching is a great intervention that can help answer some important questions related to this issue. It’ll help you realize what you really expect and how to get it. You can improve the quality of your relationships by connecting with your own self and your true desires. If you express them more clearly it will result in a large number of benefits. It’ll take a lot of work but relationships but there won’t be any positive change unless you change. Are you ready to start a positive change?